286 days Sober
That’s 180 days attributable to Scram, 106 days have been 100% MY OWN will power and inner strength.
That’s pretty remarkable, if you ask me.
I thought it would get easier, but to my surprise it continues to get harder.
Not a day has gone by that I haven’t wanted a drink. Some days it is just a passing thought. Other days, it is a real struggle.
My “Burning Desire” switch has been flipped all weekend. It is big and bright. That burning desire switch is lit up like Times Square on New Years Eve!
Now, I have to prepare you for what I’m about to tell you. I don’t want you to think that my mister is being disrespectful or unsupportive because he continues to drink. It is the social gatherings when it bothers me to see everyone drinking together, but if it is just my mister having a drink with dinner, I’m okay. It’s strange how some situations are harder to deal with than others when it comes to drinking. I never wanted my mister to stop drinking because I’m out of the drinking world now. In fact, I often feel like I am drinking vicariously through him. Maybe that’s unhealthy but it’s working for me right now and I’m still sober, so whatever…..
I watch him put that glass to his lips and imagine I am savoring each sweet sip right along with him. The lovely part about it is I get to enjoy observing the act and imagining that it’s me, while all along staying sober, so when his personality begins to change, mine stays the same and I find myself SO thankful those sips I took were only in my mind. When he starts to talk louder, when he repeats himself, when an insignificant issue or situation suddenly becomes headline news, I think to myself….was I like that??? surely not! But the answer is YES! I WAS! And then I’m really glad I am sober!
When I smell the aroma of the beer coming off his breath, I want to grab him and lick his face off!! Luckily it’s not always that way. Sometimes the smell repulses me. Right now it’s been down right mesmerizing.
Yesterday was College Football Saturday…..a former weekly drinking holiday for me. We were out doing some shopping and decided to stop over at Buffalo Wild Wings to catch the first half of the Tennessee game and grab some lunch. I have been in sobriety breakdown mode and for me, this was like entering into the lions den. I know that if my mister knew how ready to break down I was, he never would have taken me there. Perhaps I was feeling a little masochistic….actually I was just ready to have a big frosty mouth watering BEER!
As we pulled into the parking lot, I actually rehearsed in my head, how I would order a Bud Ligt Draft. Could I do it? What would my mister say? I could imagine the look on his face of sheer disappointment and confusion……a look of really???? You are REALLY going to do this????
He ordered his beer and I ordered my coke. When they brought his beer, I watched the ice chips that had formed on the inside of the frosty pilsner glass float so beautifully up through the beer from the bottom of the glass and my mouth watered. I wanted to push my mister aside and grab that big glass of amazingness and gulp it down. And then I thought of that feeling of floating I would feel in my head. That moment you first feel the amazing buzz. I thought about it. I tried to reason with myself, what harm would one beer do. Then I thought of the fact that I knew my mister would be drinking, so if I did break down and have a beer, how would we get home???
That is the only thing that held me back. How would we get home? That is the only reason I didn’t pull the trigger.
Drinking is not an option for me. Drinking and driving is DEFINITELY not an option for me.
I am still sober.
I survived one more day.
As I sat there contemplating the situation, consumed by temptation, I checked my email…..what can I say, I needed a distraction and the Tennessee football game wasn’t doing the job.
There was an email in my inbox. It was a comment from a reader. It couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time.
The comment was written by Corey, thanking me for sharing, that it was nice to know someone else shared in the struggle. Corey, THANK YOU!! The words in that comment helped to solidify and reaffirm my choice to stay sober. It is what I needed. Corey was my little angel of sobriety that I needed to hear from, when I needed it the most.