I have been neglecting my blog recently and I am sorry. I hope you are still with me!
I had a birthday this week, but perhaps even more special, I had a REAL BIRTHDAY this week! I am ONE YEAR SOBER! That means, if I had been attending AA Meetings, I would have gotten one of these……
Well, I haven’t attended AA Meetings, other than a few online ones, but I have been sober for ONE year and I totally deserve one of these little coins! So I’ve officially given myself one….even if it is just a picture of one that I found on Google Images! That’s official enough for me!
It hasn’t been easy, but I made it! I still struggle though. I struggle a lot.
I have chosen to go through this entire journey publicly. Sometimes I like to think that this is just my own personal journal and that no one will read it. This will be one of those posts that I would prefer to think that no one will read but me, but if it helps just one person struggling with sobriety or one spouse who is dealing with an addict……well….. then it was worth airing my deep dark, very personal thoughts.
I have made it my mission to be 100% honest in this blog, otherwise what would really be the point…. so here is my latest internal and external battle with my old pal alcohol……
I nearly didn’t make it to my one year milestone. We went to Savannah last weekend for my birthday and boy is that a tough place to go as a newbie in sobriety. There is NO driving necessary, bars galore, and TRAVELING beer! Yes, you can go into any bar you choose and say, “I’d like a *insert adult beverage of choice here* TO GO, please”…….Seriously? This is an alcoholic’s dream come true and a recently sober gal’s biggest nightmare!
Why not just put the glass to my lips and tell me I can’t sip!
Here is my mister enjoying a “traveler” outside Boars Head Grill & Tavern down on the river Saturday.
We arrived at our hotel around 9:30 that Friday night and once we were all checked in, we headed out to investigate the night life. Boy was that a mistake. I don’t remember the last time I felt more socially awkward. EVERYONE was drinking…..everyone but me. I just couldn’t loosen up. I wasn’t in my element and I was so uncomfortable. We walked around town, arguing about where to go. I felt out of place everywhere we went. I felt under dressed in my cardigan, jeans, and flip flops. I felt so boring. We made our way to Savannah Smiles Piano Bar. It was SO crowded and everyone seemed to be having a great time singing and laughing. I felt like I had a sour puss look on my face the whole time. I hated myself. I was a boring wife. Seeing that I was in a state of internal turmoil, my mister said “Honey, if you were drinking right now, you’d be doing x,y, & z….”
(x, y, & z are realistic embarrassing things I would have been doing….like dancing on the bar, making “friends” with random strangers, and puking in trash cans within plain sight….among many other things) Thank goodness for my mister and his dose of reality when I really needed it!
Now I can say I was having a pity party. I was taking it out on my mister. I couldn’t focus on anything except what I COULDN’T do. I was too preoccupied with doing this whole self pity crap to enjoy my time with my mister. I was punishing us both. Why? It was so unnecessary. BUT I can’t control my feelings. It’s just how I felt. I was full of anger at myself.
Saturday we went on The Old Savanah Trolley Tour to see the historic sights of this magnificent old city.
(Look Ma, No Hagover!!)
We saw the 300 year old tree, which was SO cool!
We went to the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist.
I even tried to go into the confessional, but it was locked…..it was still cool though, just like on TV!
There were 14 trolley stops and we got off to explore and for my mister to grab a nice cold adult beverage at several of them.
Here is my mister swinging like a monkey from a tree at a trolley stop, waiting to be picked up. We had gotten off because we saw a day spa and wanted to try to get pedicures. They were booked. Boo!
All of this walking, riding, and watching everyone drink beer everywhere we went was really starting to take a toll on me.
I was ready to throw in the towel. I told my mister it would be our little secret, no one would have to know. We went to the “Olde Pink House”, planted ourselves at the bar, and I perused the wine list. My mister ordered his beer and I had my choice narrowed down to two. It was either going to be their rosé or their reisling, but first I would need to know if the only reisling on the menu was on the dry side, the sweet side, or middle of the road since it was an unfamiliar one to me. My mister said to go ahead. He says he was attempting reverse psychology, but after I closed the menu, ready to place my order, he began chiding me; as he knew what a huge mistake I was preparing to make. The bar tender kept asking if I’d made a decision. After my mister’s guilt trip, I just couldn’t ask the question. The bar tender asked if there was something that I was looking for that I didn’t see on the menu. She was clearly confused by my seemingly erratic bar behavior. Yep, that was a close one.
I didn’t order a glass of my beloved calming serum. I didn’t order anything at all. My mister sucked down his beer, and we left the bar. I sulked….and sulked…..and sulked. My attitude was in the dumpster. I felt like a boring wife. All I could think of was how much fun we would be having if I were drinking. We’d be stopping for a drink at every trolley stop on the route! We’d be meeting people, we’d be laughing and making memories! We’d be having a blast! But NO, I am not the fun person my mister married. I am a boring, bitter teatotaller. Bitter because I am a teatotaller. Because I can’t handle my alcohol. What is WRONG with me? WHY can’t I just be NORMAL, WHY can’t I have a drink with my husband? Why am I missing out on these romantic moments of having a glass of wine with my husband in a quaint little bar in historic Savannah? The weather was beautiful, the french doors were wide open, it was the most perfect setting…..and I missed out.
(Am I having a private pity party here?)
We made our way back to City Market. My attitude was still in crap-ville. We decided to wait for our friends at an upstairs bar called “Tree House“, where we could watch the action in the square from a bird’s eye view. We could see the horse and carriages come and go, which was especially fun to observe. The bar tender at the Tree House was SUPER nice. Of course we forgot our phone chargers at home, and the bar tender charged our phones for us! My mister ordered his beer (it was HAPPY HOUR and it was only $2!). The bar tender’s attitude was so bright and cheery, it lifted my mood a bit. I asked him to make me something fruity and special and non alcoholic. Instead of looking at me like I was from Mars, he happily asked if I wanted something with caffeine! He mixed up some red bull with fruity juices and it was delicious. I asked him what he calls that drink. He said he just made it up and it didn’t have a name. He asked me my name and I told him my usual….”Britton, like the country” (I have to do that or people will say “BRITTANY?”) He brightly told me that drink is called The Great Britton! Then I had about 10 of them ….and I don’t think he charged me for more than one! That definitely pulled me out of my self pity, thank goodness!
That evening we went to dinner at The Pirates House before going on the ghost tour we had booked. My mister had been steadily drinking all day. Remember, that’s A-OKAY with me, in fact I unhealthily encourage it. For some reason I feel like I am getting my own cravings met by watching him drink. Isn’t that sick? Am I the only one with an alcohol problem who does this? Please, PLEASE someone tell me I’m not alone in this.
I don’t understand why I do it. I encourage his drinking and then get upset and irritated with him when he’s had too much. That makes zero sense. The waitress thought he was charming and the people on our ghost tour found him quite entertaining. He was the life of the party!
See that “point”? THAT’s his famous “point”, when you KNOW he’s feeling good….look here….
The famous point!
As the tour went on, the less and less amused I became. My mister was the first to volunteer for interactive demonstrations, got the hiccups, and eventually wandered off to find a place to go to the bathroom…..NOT in a designated urine receptacle. He was jovial and funny and frankly he was wearing me out. I was once again NOT a happy camper.
(This was our tour guide/chauffeur on the ghost tour ….. she was a really crazy driver but had a great sense of humor!)
See how UN-amused I was by my mister’s antics??
I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel. When we did, my mister was hungry and we went for a late night pizza…..
…..even LESS amused at this point….
See that face? I’m giving him the stink eye….I learned that from Sir Higgins.
In the morning, my mister had his green Mr. Yuk face on.
He puked several times throughout the drive back that morning, rode home in the 3rd row seat in the fetal position, and spent the day in bed when we got home….and uttered those famous last words….”I”ll never drink again!”
ONE thing is for sure, that was Karma I was experiencing!
I completely earned that from all the times I’ve done it to him….especially the time I got sick in the car, tried to puke out the window as we were driving down the interstate, and instead it ended up splattered ALL OVER the headliner ….from the front of the car, all the way to the back window. EW!!!
Yes, needless to say, we are all very glad I don’t drink anymore. Seeing how sick he got made me so happy I hadn’t succumbed.
I WILL find my comfort zone. I don’t know when, but I will.
My mister and I continue to make adjustments to this new life, sans alcohol – for me. I know it will take some time and many more adjustments, but I have faith that we will get it right eventually. We will keep working at it and we will find OUR comfort zone.