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‘Getting Real With Addiction’ Category

  1. How I Got Here

    January 26, 2013 by Britton_Riley

    We’ve celebrated my milestone of one year sober but do you really know how I got here?

    It wasn’t my intention for my last drink to be my LAST DRINK….EVER. It just sort of turned out that way, thanks to Scram. I know the Scram Bracelet is not without it’s occasional problems, just like any manmade creation, but I have nothing but praise for the device. (NO one is paying me to say this, so let’s just get that clear) The thought process behind this type of punishment is simply genius in my mind. WHY couldn’t I have come up with this?? Oooohhh yeah, because I was too busy being DRUNK! I miss alcohol very much (if you couldn’t tell by some of my recent posts) but because of Scram and forced sobriety, I was able to identify that alcohol and I are a match made in hell. It’s just not good for me and I was well on my way to ruin. It’s a miracle I never killed anyone on my many drives to the bar after pre-gaming or home from the bar after living it up, or back from the river after “relaxing” with friends, dogs, beer, and Parliament Lights (gotta LOVE that recessed filter, right? By the way, I think now if I were to take a drag off a cigarette, I’d probably puke my guts out!….except if it was accompanied by a few beers of course). The level of thoughtlessness and selfishness is something I never would have fully understood without that 6 months that I was forced to cut off all alcohol contact with alcohol. I mean sure, when I would wake up in the morning to the disaster known as hurricane drunk Britton, I would say to myself “damn, how did I manage to make it home in one piece??” and that would be a chilling feeling. But that chill would fade and the next time I would find myself in the midst of partying like a rockstar, I would not hesitate to get in the car and go where I needed to go. IGNORANT, I know.

    In the days leading up to this forced sobriety, I planned my last few drinking events very carefully. I had my exit strategy down. I knew I would be entering “the Scram zone” on January 24, 2012 (one year ago!!) so I wanted to give my system ample time to “detox” before the big day. My birthday is on the 14th and fell on a Saturday last year so I started my “detox”/ “Scram-prep” after the weekend was over. SO, that is how my official sober date came to be January 16, 2012.

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, Life Post Scram, Life Pre Scram, SCRAM, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: ,,,,,,,,, | 3 Comments

  2. A Giant Milestone

    January 21, 2013 by Britton_Riley

    I have been neglecting my blog recently and I am sorry. I hope you are still with me!

    I had a birthday this week, but perhaps even more special, I had a REAL BIRTHDAY this week! I am ONE YEAR SOBER! That means, if I had been attending AA Meetings, I would have gotten one of these……
     Well, I haven’t attended AA Meetings, other than a few online ones, but I have been sober for ONE year and I totally deserve one of these little coins! So I’ve officially given myself one….even if it is just a picture of one that I found on Google Images! That’s official enough for me!

    It hasn’t been easy, but I made it! I still struggle though. I struggle a lot.

    I have chosen to go through this entire journey publicly. Sometimes I like to think that this is just my own personal journal and that no one will read it. This will be one of those posts that I would prefer to think that no one will read but me, but if it helps just one person struggling with sobriety or one spouse who is dealing with an addict……well….. then it was worth airing my deep dark, very personal thoughts.

    I have made it my mission to be 100% honest in this blog, otherwise what would really be the point…. so here is my latest internal and external battle with my old pal alcohol……

    I nearly didn’t make it to my one year milestone. We went to Savannah last weekend for my birthday and boy is that a tough place to go as a newbie in sobriety. There is NO driving necessary, bars galore, and TRAVELING beer! Yes, you can go into any bar you choose and say, “I’d like a *insert adult beverage of choice here* TO GO, please”…….Seriously? This is an alcoholic’s dream come true and a recently sober gal’s biggest nightmare!

    Why not just put the glass to my lips and tell me I can’t sip!

    Here is my mister enjoying a “traveler” outside Boars Head Grill & Tavern down on the river Saturday.

    We arrived at our hotel around 9:30 that Friday night and once we were all checked in, we headed out to investigate the night life. Boy was that a mistake. I don’t remember the last time I felt more socially awkward. EVERYONE was drinking…..everyone but me. I just couldn’t loosen up. I wasn’t in my element and I was so uncomfortable. We walked around town, arguing about where to go. I felt out of place everywhere we went. I felt under dressed in my cardigan, jeans, and flip flops. I felt so boring. We made our way to Savannah Smiles Piano Bar. It was SO crowded and everyone seemed to be having a great time singing and laughing. I felt like I had a sour puss look on my face the whole time. I hated myself. I was a boring wife. Seeing that I was in a state of internal turmoil, my mister said “Honey, if you were drinking right now, you’d be doing x,y, & z….”

    (x, y, & z are realistic embarrassing things I would have been doing….like dancing on the bar, making “friends” with random strangers, and puking in trash cans within plain sight….among many other things) Thank goodness for my mister and his dose of reality when I really needed it!

    Now I can say I was having a pity party. I was taking it out on my mister. I couldn’t focus on anything except what I COULDN’T do. I was too preoccupied with doing this whole self pity crap to enjoy my time with my mister. I was punishing us both. Why? It was so unnecessary. BUT I can’t control my feelings. It’s just how I felt. I was full of anger at myself.

    Saturday we went on The Old Savanah Trolley Tour to see the historic sights of this magnificent old city.

    (Look Ma, No Hagover!!)

    We saw the 300 year old tree, which was SO cool!

    We went to the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist.

    I even tried to go into the confessional, but it was locked…..it was still cool though, just like on TV!

    There were 14 trolley stops and we got off to explore and for my mister to grab a nice cold adult beverage at several of them.

    Here is my mister swinging like a monkey from a tree at a trolley stop, waiting to be picked up. We had gotten off because we saw a day spa and wanted to try to get pedicures. They were booked. Boo!

    All of this walking, riding, and watching everyone drink beer everywhere we went was really starting to take a toll on me.

    I was ready to throw in the towel. I told my mister it would be our little secret, no one would have to know. We went to the “Olde Pink House”, planted ourselves at the bar, and I perused the wine list. My mister ordered his beer and I had my choice narrowed down to two. It was either going to be their rosé or their reisling, but first I would need to know if the only reisling on the menu was on the dry side, the sweet side, or middle of the road since it was an unfamiliar one to me. My mister said to go ahead. He says he was attempting reverse psychology, but after I closed the menu, ready to place my order, he began chiding me; as he knew what a huge mistake I was preparing to make. The bar tender kept asking if I’d made a decision. After my mister’s guilt trip, I just couldn’t ask the question. The bar tender asked if there was something that I was looking for that I didn’t see on the menu. She was clearly confused by my seemingly erratic bar behavior. Yep, that was a close one.

    I didn’t order a glass of my beloved calming serum. I didn’t order anything at all. My mister sucked down his beer, and we left the bar. I sulked….and sulked…..and sulked. My attitude was in the dumpster. I felt like a boring wife. All I could think of was how much fun we would be having if I were drinking. We’d be stopping for a drink at every trolley stop on the route! We’d be meeting people, we’d be laughing and making memories! We’d be having a blast! But NO, I am not the fun person my mister married. I am a boring, bitter teatotaller. Bitter because I am a teatotaller. Because I can’t handle my alcohol. What is WRONG with me? WHY can’t I just be NORMAL, WHY can’t I have a drink with my husband? Why am I missing out on these romantic moments of having a glass of wine with my husband in a quaint little bar in historic Savannah? The weather was beautiful, the french doors were wide open, it was the most perfect setting…..and I missed out.

    (Am I having a private pity party here?)

    We made our way back to City Market. My attitude was still in crap-ville. We decided to wait for our friends at an upstairs bar called “Tree House“, where we could watch the action in the square from a bird’s eye view. We could see the horse and carriages come and go, which was especially fun to observe. The bar tender at the Tree House was SUPER nice. Of course we forgot our phone chargers at home, and the bar tender charged our phones for us! My mister ordered his beer (it was HAPPY HOUR and it was only $2!). The bar tender’s attitude was so bright and cheery, it lifted my mood a bit. I asked him to make me something fruity and special and non alcoholic. Instead of looking at me like I was from Mars, he happily asked if I wanted something with caffeine! He mixed up some red bull with fruity juices and it was delicious. I asked him what he calls that drink. He said he just made it up and it didn’t have a name. He asked me my name and I told him my usual….”Britton, like the country” (I have to do that or people will say “BRITTANY?”) He brightly told me that drink is called The Great Britton! Then I had about 10 of them :) ….and I don’t think he charged me for more than one! That definitely pulled me out of my self pity, thank goodness!

    That evening we went to dinner at The Pirates House before going on the ghost tour we had booked. My mister had been steadily drinking all day. Remember, that’s A-OKAY with me, in fact I unhealthily encourage it. For some reason I feel like I am getting my own cravings met by watching him drink. Isn’t that sick? Am I the only one with an alcohol problem who does this? Please, PLEASE someone tell me I’m not alone in this.

    I don’t understand why I do it. I encourage his drinking and then get upset and irritated with him when he’s had too much. That makes zero sense. The waitress thought he was charming and the people on our ghost tour found him quite entertaining. He was the life of the party!

    See that “point”? THAT’s his famous “point”, when you KNOW he’s feeling good….look here….

    The famous point!

    As the tour went on, the less and less amused I became. My mister was the first to volunteer for interactive demonstrations, got the hiccups, and eventually wandered off to find a place to go to the bathroom…..NOT in a designated urine receptacle. He was jovial and funny and frankly he was wearing me out. I was once again NOT  a happy camper. 

    (This was our tour guide/chauffeur on the ghost tour ….. she was a really crazy driver but had a great sense of humor!)

    See how UN-amused I was by my mister’s antics??

    I couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel. When we did, my mister was hungry and we went for a late night pizza…..

    …..even LESS amused at this point….

    See that face? I’m giving him the stink eye….I learned that from Sir Higgins.

    In the morning, my mister had his green Mr. Yuk face on.

    He puked several times throughout the drive back that morning, rode home in the 3rd row seat in the fetal position, and spent the day in bed when we got home….and uttered those famous last words….”I”ll never drink again!”

    ONE thing is for sure, that was Karma I was experiencing!

    I completely earned that from all the times I’ve done it to him….especially the time I got sick in the car, tried to puke out the window as we were driving down the interstate, and instead it ended up splattered ALL OVER the headliner ….from the front of the car, all the way to the back window. EW!!!

    Yes, needless to say, we are all very glad I don’t drink anymore. Seeing how sick he got made me so happy I hadn’t succumbed.

    I WILL find my comfort zone. I don’t know when, but I will.

    My mister and I continue to make adjustments to this new life, sans alcohol – for me. I know it will take some time and many more adjustments, but I have faith that we will get it right eventually. We will keep working at it and we will find OUR comfort zone.

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, Life Post Scram, SCRAM | Tags: ,,,,,,,,,, | 3 Comments

  3. Unsinkable

    December 12, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    We just returned from our first ever cruise! It was interesting. Definitely a new experience. It was my mister’s birthday and that is how he wanted to celebrate.

    There is all kinds of new lingo you need to know on a big ship like that. Words like “embarkation” and “debarkation”, the directional terms were especially fun….did you know it is actually StarBOARD, not StarBIRD?? (um, was I alone in thinking they were saying bird?)  That would be the right side of the vessel…. And have you ever heard of a “muster station”?? I hadn’t heard of that before, but they kept telling us we had to report to our designated muster station to go over what to do in an emergency, Titanic-like situation. We had to do this before we could take off….um, debark?….sail away. Oh whatever.

    My mister had just ordered a bucket of beer out by the pool when it was time to report to our muster station to listen to the instructions. (Muster station, schmuster station….I just kept calling it the poop deck. I like that much better) Oh, and might I just add…..a bucket of beer includes FOUR miller lites all for $25.00. Ouch!

    We gathered up our towels, my mister scooped up his bucket of beer, and we reported to the poop deck. They showed us how to put on one of those orange life preservers, and herded us out to where we would hypothetically load up in the dingy in an emergency. As we were all gathered in very tight quarters, shoulder to shoulder with all these strangers, there stood my mister with his beach towel around his neck, sunglasses on his face, a bucket of beer under one arm, and me under his other one. He stood there so proudly and with the attention of the strangers around us, he announced “I’ve got my beer and my wife. I’m ready!” The crowd roared. He reminded me of Cousin Eddie from The Griswolds’ family! Some gave him high-fives, some wished they’d thought to get a bucket of beer for the safety session.

    The beautiful rainbow we saw as we were "shipping out" of Port Canaveral!

    Of course, adjusting to a vacation on the high seas inspired lots of questions for me…..ALL related to the Titanic. Now mind you, I haven’t seen Titanic since it was first in the movie theater in 1997. Well, being on that cruise ship made me practically obsessed with Titanic. Luckily my mister had more of a “clue” than I did and was able to answer some of my dumb questions. I had to confirm that the Titanic was based upon a true story. (Okay, I know what you’re thinking….duh, blondie!….Sorry. I thought so, but I had to be sure.) Then I wanted to know if those people were on a leisurely, vacation-type of cruise, just like us. I remembered they had vehicles on their ship though. I am pretty sure there were no vehicles on ours. The only reason I recalled the Titanic hauling vehicles is the hot, steamy moment between Kate and Leo in the car. Of course that’s the scene I would remember!

    The questions just kept coming. My poor mister had to answer them all. (As we speak, he is DVR-ing a Titanic documentary for me.) Why did they sink? Did everyone die? Why didn’t they know they were going to crash into an iceberg? This is all very confusing to me.

    That night after dinner, we went to the piano bar on the ship. I requested the song from Titanic. The pianist informed me they kindly ask that he not play that song…..for obvious reasons. Whoopsie! So, we requested Tom Petty’s Last Dance with Mary Jane instead. My mister gets all charged up by the line in the song that says “Indiana boys on an Indiana night”.  He is from Indiana and I suppose it takes him back to the good ol’ days of his adolescence/young adulthood.

    We met some nice people on the cruise. There were 2 ladies who had just undergone acupuncture for smoking cessation. They were literally within 48 hours of their very last cigarette. They were trying to quit something they loved. I could totally identify.

    I really struggled with myself about whether or not I would break down and drink. At the very beginning, I just couldn’t see how I couldn’t see this trip through without drinking.I thought about how much more fun I’d be able to have if only I could drink. Every day they had a drink special. All over the place, there were little men walking around with trays of fruity frozen drinks and shots! OH, just kill me now, I thought! I quickly discovered that these little men would gladly bring me a pretty drink with fun garnishes that did not contain alcohol!

    And they were just as enjoyable!! Maybe more!…..remember the fishing trip in St. Augustine???

    ….. My sweet son Tyler and I feeling green on the high seas….we were both wearing our Mister Yuk faces that day! (Oh, and I was wearing my Scram in that picture, even though you can’t see it.) Once I started to feel the sway on that cruise ship, I was thanking my lucky stars that I hadn’t caved to the fruity cocktails! I would have had my head in a nautical toilet. Now that’s a new experience I’d prefer not to have.

    The teens on the ship and I ordered Shirley Temples at the bars! I overcame my internal struggle and unlike the Titanic, I was unsinkable.

    I am still sober. I made it through an amazing vacation…..a cruise, my first cruise ever. With each life event that I experience sober, it gets a little bit easier. I don’t know that it will ever really be easy, but I am definitely very happy with myself!

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, Life Post Scram, SCRAM, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: ,,,,,, | 3 Comments

  4. Mister Movember

    October 29, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    November is coming…..this week! Can you believe it? It’s hard to believe that October is almost over.

    Have you heard of No Shave November? (Also known as Movember) This is where men sport mustaches during the entire month of November, in an effort to promote prostate cancer awareness and Mens’ health in general.

    Well my mister is, of course, on the bandwagon with this whole Movember thing…..and he has started early.

    Yes, this is my Movember man. This is him at dinner Friday night.

    I adore everything the mustache stands for. I love that he is supporting a cause!

    ……BUT I HATE the mustache. It is so gross and just downright creepy. My dad has always worn a mustache and he looks SO handsome with it. My mister just looks better in his goatee.

    Tyler and I have made child molester comments, I’ve called him Stache, we have told him he looks like Super Troopers or Reno 911. This has done nothing but fuel his fire. He says he looks like a mix between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

    We live close to an Air Force Base. Today they had an air show that we went to. My mister wished he’d had a pair of aviator sunglasses because he was sure they would have asked him to fly an airplane. He thinks that stache gives him a “Top Gun” look.

    (That’s me and Tyler at the air show!)

    (Those pilots sure put on an amazing show!)

    I can’t wait until Movember is over so I don’t have to endure any more of this mustache madness at my house. I hope all of these men in mustaches really does make people go have their man parts checked out.

    By the way, I forgot to tell you in my last post that while my mouth was watering for that beer yesterday, my mister realized that it was killing me…..that I wanted it soooo bad. He told me that I really didn’t want it and that it tasted like ass. He was really being very supportive. I mean, who wants to consume anything that tastes like ass? He was definitely giving it his best effort to take the appeal off of that beer I was salivating over!

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, Life Post Scram, SCRAM, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: , | 5 Comments

  5. Dancing With My Demons

    October 28, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    Burning Desire

    286 days Sober

    That’s 180 days attributable to Scram, 106 days have been 100% MY OWN will power and inner strength.

    That’s pretty remarkable, if you ask me.

    I thought it would get easier, but to my surprise it continues to get harder.

    Not a day has gone by that I haven’t wanted a drink. Some days it is just a passing thought. Other days, it is a real struggle.

    My “Burning Desire” switch has been flipped all weekend. It is big and bright. That burning desire switch is lit up like Times Square on New Years Eve!

    Now, I have to prepare you for what I’m about to tell you. I don’t want you to think that my mister is being disrespectful or unsupportive because he continues to drink. It is the social gatherings when it bothers me to see everyone drinking together, but if it is just my mister having a drink with dinner, I’m okay. It’s strange how some situations are harder to deal with than others when it comes to drinking. I never wanted my mister to stop drinking because I’m out of the drinking world now. In fact, I often feel like I am drinking vicariously through him. Maybe that’s unhealthy but it’s working for me right now and I’m still sober, so whatever…..

    I watch him put that glass to his lips and imagine I am savoring each sweet sip right along with him. The lovely part about it is I get to enjoy observing the act and imagining that it’s me, while all along staying sober, so when his personality begins to change, mine stays the same and I find myself SO thankful those sips I took were only in my mind. When he starts to talk louder, when he repeats himself, when an insignificant issue or situation suddenly becomes headline news, I think to myself….was I like that??? surely not! But the answer is YES! I WAS! And then I’m really glad I am sober!

    When I smell the aroma of  the beer coming off his breath, I want to grab him and lick his face off!! Luckily it’s not always that way. Sometimes the smell repulses me. Right now it’s been down right mesmerizing.

    Yesterday was College Football Saturday…..a former weekly drinking holiday for me. We were out doing some shopping and decided to stop over at Buffalo Wild Wings to catch the first half of the Tennessee game and grab some lunch. I have been in sobriety breakdown mode and for me, this was like entering into the lions den. I know that if my mister knew how ready to break down I was, he never would have taken me there. Perhaps I was feeling a little masochistic….actually I was just ready to have a big frosty mouth watering BEER!

    As we pulled into the parking lot, I actually rehearsed in my head, how I would order a Bud Ligt Draft. Could I do it? What would my mister say? I could imagine the look on his face of sheer disappointment and confusion……a look of really???? You are REALLY going to do this???? 

    He ordered his beer and I ordered my coke. When they brought his beer, I watched the ice chips that had formed on the inside of the frosty pilsner glass float so beautifully up through the beer from the bottom of the glass and my mouth watered. I wanted to push my mister aside and grab that big glass of amazingness and gulp it down. And then I thought of that feeling of floating I would feel in my head. That moment you first feel the amazing buzz. I thought about it. I tried to reason with myself, what harm would one beer do. Then I thought of the fact that I knew my mister would be drinking, so if I did break down and have a beer, how would we get home???

    That is the only thing that held me back. How would we get home? That is the only reason I didn’t pull the trigger.

    Drinking is not an option for me. Drinking and driving is DEFINITELY not an option for me.

    I am still sober.

    I survived one more day.

    As I sat there contemplating the situation, consumed by temptation, I checked my email…..what can I say, I needed a distraction and the Tennessee football game wasn’t doing the job.

    There was an email in my inbox. It was a comment from a reader. It couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time.

    The comment was written by Corey, thanking me for sharing, that it was nice to know someone else shared in the struggle. Corey, THANK YOU!! The words in that comment helped to solidify and reaffirm my choice to stay sober. It is what I needed. Corey was my little angel of sobriety that I needed to hear from, when I needed it the most.

     

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, Life Post Scram, SCRAM, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: ,,,,,,, | 2 Comments

  6. Manic Mondays

    July 23, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    Ever wonder why Mondays are so dang difficult?

    It is just a day, like the other 4 work days, but for some reason Mondays are extra challenging. I tend to have lots of “blonde moments” on Mondays. I only had 2 days off, it’s not like I’ve been gone a week. It shouldn’t take THAT much to get back into the swing of things.

    I’ll try not to be a hot mess today.

    I told you about my online AA meetings, right? Well, the website that hosts them is called In The Rooms. I was so inspired by the “daily meditation” message that they had for today that I really wanted to share it with you. Pretty appropriate for a Monday, in my opinion. A great message to begin the week… Enjoy!

    Working With Love

    What I do today, I will do with love in my heart. The love that I bring to the various tasks and encounters of my day weave that energy into the very fabric of my world. This world is sewn invisibly together with waves and particles. The waves and particles emanating from me move in and out of a similar field of those surrounding another person. The energy I send is felt by another person on a deeper level than anything I might say. It doesn’t work to be polite with my words but then to feel hate – people get a double message. Double messages make people feel crazy and teach those close to me to doubt their own insides.

    I will work with love.

    And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house…..It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit.

    - Khalil Gibran

    25 hours from now, my Scram Bracelet will be removed.

    I will be held accountable to make the right decisions for myself and my family, as it relates to my sobriety.

     Um,  no pressure or anything.

    My sobriety will be 100% dependent upon MY choices. The true test is upon me.

    I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will NOT fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon. I will not fall off the wagon.

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, SCRAM, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: ,,,,,,,,,,, | 3 Comments

  7. Feed Your Positive Dog!

    July 2, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    This is what Sunday afternoon looked like at our house….

    everyone was sacked out…with the golf tournament on TV. (It made me want to sleep too!)

    We went to Ocala Saturday to hang out with my parents and the other senior citz, but we couldn’t spend the night  because I left Scrammy’s modem at home. I am not entirely sure of how good Scrammy’s memory is and didn’t want to push it, so we just came on home. BUT not before we played a round of golf….and I was on fire! I had one of the best golf games yet! (My mom said that she heard my dad bragging to some of the senior citz today about how well I did!)

    Oh, and by the way, my dad is STILL wearing the paper booties when he comes into the house….

    It’s a great thing that we came home last night because I had tons of errands to do today. It was an unwashed hair, no makeup on, hat day for sure. It was hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell.

    Was it hot where you are?

    I ran around town, buying groceries and NOT making any friends in Georgia! :)

    Hee hee :)

    (GO VOLS!…you can take the girl out of Tennessee, but you can’t take the Tennessee out of the girl!)

    Have you ever realized that everything in life happens for a reason? Have you ever noticed that some things, although they may seem completely unrelated, are timed just right in relation to each other?

    I’m having a tough day. It’s nothing serious, just the dumb junk that sometimes happens between friends. From time to time, you’re GOING to get your feelings hurt. That’s just a fact. We all know it, it’s just part of life. But it doesn’t make it any easier when it happens. I try to always roll with the punches and pride myself on being very easy going and accommodating to others….sometimes to a fault. I would rather “let things go” when they happen, than make a big deal of them and have some big dramatic “ISSUE”. Typically I find it pretty easy to do. But sometimes you just have to speak up for yourself….and then there is bound to be a little unavoidable drama. (EW! I just hate that! Makes me cringe!)

    The issue that happened was with S. Remember my best friend that I’ve told you about? Well having this particular issue with her was definitely a huge trigger, possibly one of the biggest since I’ve been sober….I wanted a drink….AND BAD!  It is as if I am literally like a pressure cooker. I felt like a pressure cooker, ready to blow. Adding alcohol releases all of the pressure inside. The desire is so strong and that is the best way I can think to describe it. Can any of y’all relate?

    (Brace yourself, mom. Stop and BREATHE. It’s OKAY. Don’t freak. It will be Ooohh-KAAYyy. – I have to do that, I’m sure her blood pressure is through the roof right now as she’s reading this. She worries about me. She’s my mom!)

    If it wasn’t for Scrammy, it would have been a real struggle for me. My immediate thought was this thing will soon be off and I’ll be able to fall off the wagon. Bad thought, y’all….very very bad thought. I just can’t let that happen. And, while I’ve got 168 days of sobriety under my belt and didn’t think I’d need anything like AA after Scrammy’s retirement, I see very clearly that I am still very vulnerable to my old pal, BOOZE. It was a knee jerk reaction that, had I been Scram free and had I indulged, would have been a huge mistake. I definitely need to seek out some local support after Scrammy’s retirement.

    Okay, enough of that….so while I was feeling all down and out today, I packed some boxes, made a lasagna for my family, and then decided that I’d better prepare for tomorrow. What is tomorrow you ask? WELL….the organization that I work for has a slew of “policies and procedures”. Within our office, we have decided to take them one by one and learn them. We have decided to each take one of the policies and educate the group, one week at a time. Tomorrow it is my turn…the policy I chose to present is “Disruptive Behavior”…how appropriate, huh!
    Well…. little do my co-workers know, I’ve got big plans for my lesson on Disruptive Behavior!

    Everyone is getting one of these….

    Okay, without the mustache…..

    But I made one for everyone! How fun, right?

    As I carefully cut out each of my smiley faces, I did lots of thinking and I felt my attitude begin to change to a far more positive one. A wise woman by the name of Lisa once told me…you have to FEED your positive dog…..and then she gave me this guy so that I would always remember….

    We adopted this expression because of a story told by Jon Gordon. The story is about a man who travels to the village to speak to the wise man. He says to the wise man, “I feel like there are two dogs inside me. One dog is positive, kind, loving, and optimistic and then I have this fearful, pessimistic, and negative dog and they fight all the time. I don’t know who is going to win.” The wise man thinks for a moment and responds “I know who is going to win. The one you feed the most. So feed the positive dog.”

    I may just tell that story tomorrow!

    John goes on to say that we all have a negative and a positive dog inside us, it’s just human nature.  The key is to feed the positive dog and starve the negative dog.  He says that the more we feed the positive dog, the bigger it gets and the stronger it becomes. We need to make it a habit and do it every day. It needs to become a part of who we are. He gives several ideas of things we can do to feed our positive dogs and as I looked through them, I do many to most of them! (Yay!) You can find the entire list here on his blog.

    Many have commented on my attitude and outlook toward my punishment of 6 months on the Scram Bracelet…..it turns out, I am doing just what John Gordon says to do….”Decide to make a difference” – when you help other people with their problems, you forget about your own. For me, helping other people with their problems, has meant sharing the limitations, the do’s and don’ts of Scram through my own experiences. I can tell the new Scrammers who are scared to death that they will set this thing off….YES, you CAN use hairspray!! Wahooo! And you DON’T have to be afraid of life with Scram. You can function pretty normally, you just have to be cognizant and cautious of what you expose yourself to. Read labels, but YES, you CAN have your hair colored, YES, you CAN get your mani/pedi sessions! (YAY!!!)

    That is just one of the ways that I have helped others by not dwelling on my “problems” *or so I hope!*

    It’s just funny how life has a way of working itself out :)

    Have a great Monday tomorrow, y’all!
    And I can’t wait to tell you how it goes with my lesson….

    It is my hope that afterwards my office peeps will just be overflowing with positive energy!   *fingers crossed* 

    I hope they all have their coffee tomorrow, because the Mary Poppins in me will be ON IT!! :)

    Oh, by the way, my mom ordered my necklace from The Vintage Pearl and it has shipped!! Hopefully it will be here this week….impeccable timing, I must say! (22 days left! It will be here in time for Scrammy’s Retirement Party!!)

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, SCRAM, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: ,,,,,,,,, | 4 Comments

  8. Sober Revelations

    June 17, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    It’s Father’s Day weekend!
    Are you doing anything special for the men you love?

    This morning, my mister and I got up early and went to see Miss K. PLEASE know we aren’t THAT couple who go get their hair done together. Any other time we wouldn’t have, but my mister desperately needed his hair done and Miss K was willing to do it while I was “processing”…..soooo today we were THAT couple….ick!

    While Miss K applied the color to my hair, I filled her in on all of the latest happenings…. She was really excited to hear about how we are in the process of buying our first home. I told her that I am nearing the end of my Scram sentence. I told her about how the Tipsy Transit is on the National Directory of Designated Driver Services and she just thought that was awesome! (IT IS!) I told her about having to have a new Scram put on because the first one had become too loud. I told her that I won’t have to go back to TN to have it removed and didn’t have to travel all that way to have my battery changed OR to have the new one put on! She was so happy to hear all of this news. I also told her that when I went to have my new Scram put on, that the nice man told me one of his local Scrammers had seen me at the hair salon!! I was so excited to hear that! You never know what someone might be hiding under their pant leg! She told him that she saw me with mine on and wanted to come talk to me, but didn’t. I SO wish she had!! It would have been nice to “talk Scram” with someone in person!! (She could have been part of my Wolf Pack!)

    My mister and I are just hanging around the house today. We have posted lots of stuff on Craigslist in preparation for our move.(COME ON S. GA PEEPS, JUST BUY SOME STUFF ALREADY!!!)

    This is just the beginning of the stuff we’re trying to sell….

    My mister's "Bachelor" table!

    C'mon y'all, it's a solid cherry Ethan Allen table and it's a steal!

    It spins...Just like Hugh Hefner's bed!

    The mister was pimpin in his bachelor days!

    Then we went over to our new house! We took the puppies to visit their new yard. They were SO very happy! Fletcher kept throwing his head back and let out the happiest little howls you’ve ever heard. It was sweet. I think they really understand that it is their new house.  …..And it helps that our new neighborhood is right down the road from the dog park :)

    My mister is super anxious to get moved in (WE BOTH ARE!), but we have to wait until August 8th for closing. Since we didn’t know the area when we first moved to South Georgia, we chose to rent a home for the first year. (We live in a military town, so this we know for sure…we have GREAT dry cleaning services and an over abundance of nice rental homes!) We are in our lease until the end of August, so we had to wait a little while before we could close on our new home. Luckily the builder of our new home was nice enough to be flexible for us and let us wait until closer to the end of our lease to close.

    My new kitchen!

    Here is my new kitchen, isn’t it dreamy? We picked out our refrigerator on Tuesday! Yes, for those of you who are like my mother…we call her ‘ol Eagle eye, you probably noticed that there is a wine bottle on the kitchen counter. The builder had certain parts of the home “staged” for showing purposes. Clearly they didn’t know ol’ Scrammy leg, drunkie McDrunkerton was movin in! Needless to say, our kitchen won’t be seeing many bottles of wine.

    Everything is just falling into place! I know this is the right move for us, I can just feel it! We originally kicked around August 22nd as a closing date, but the builder didn’t want to wait THAT long and set the date of August 8th….and guess what….my crash happened on June 8th, our wedding was October 8th, and NOW we are closing on our very first home on August 8th!! Coincidence? God sign? I don’t know about you, but I say it’s meant to be!

    When we went to visit our house, my mister asked me to bring along a notebook so that we could start jotting down things that we want the builder to fix before closing. I have this one notebook that I’ve been using for quite some time. I have all kinds of notes from graduate school, lots of wedding planning stuff, all of the info about my crash: insurance stuff, instructions about going downtown on June 22nd to be booked and processed, the “worst case scenario” notes I took in my attorney’s office, notes about our relocation from TN to GA….that notebook has tons of stuff in it!

    ** Worst case scenario notes, as I know you are dying to be enlightened, are as follows: 48 hours in jail, $350 fine, $1200 court costs, 24 hours of trash pick up, alcohol counseling, loss of drivers license for 1 year, DUI on my record.

    As I was paging through, reliving some memories, I found something that I had written during one of those times when I was trying to be sober. Whenever I’d gone all out crazy on the drinking scene, I would try to quit drinking. It never lasted long. BUT, I was saddened by what I read……I’ll share a snippet with you:

    December 9, 2009

    “Well, first of all I have to say that I have no desire to drink too much. YAY! I never thought I’d see the day! I thought this would be something that I would deal with for the rest of my life. I am SO happy to be free from the hold that my vice/bad habit had on me. It feels so freeing! I don’t think when I share this joy with others around me, they truly understand what this means or how good I feel or how huge this is for me. It feels like breaking out of an imprisonment. Maybe that’s dramatic, but for me this feels like a new freedom.

    Wowzers, y’all! If I was still wondering if I have a problem with alcohol, I can wonder no more. It’s pretty plain to see I knew something was going on back in December 2009. My addiction went nowhere but down from there. And now here I am. I wouldn’t change a thing. I feel so blessed to have had so many life altering events take place.

    This journal entry back in December 2009 is why I am so grateful for Scram. There were many times throughout my drinking “career” that I realized I’d taken it too far and knew something needed to change. Without Scram, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I wouldn’t be where I am today. There were even times that I would think about going to get a prescription for Antabuse, but I never thought anyone would actually give it to me. The point is, I knew I needed something to help me get sober and stay sober. I knew I couldn’t do it alone. Looking back, I think it is pretty desperate to have thought about seeking a prescription for Antabuse just to get a handle on my lack of control over my drinking habit.

    As I have been looking forward to our big move and gathering all of the miscellaneous financial documents for the bank, I have really been reflecting on where I am in my life at this time. Sobriety is the focus of my life these days and I often find myself mourning the loss of my beloved alcohol. I can’t have a celebratory bottle of wine with my husband in our first home. On one hand, I feel sad, on the other hand I realize that it is only WITHOUT alcohol in my life that I have arrived at this place in my life. I see NOW, through the eyes of sobriety, that I have been missing out on so much! I finally have a successful career because I am SOBER. Funny, I never connected those dots before. I never saw it quite as clearly as I do now….through sober eyes, with a clear head. I am able to function every day because I haven’t pulled an all-nighter with my cherished friend, Alcohol. And I don’t just function…what I was doing before was “JUST FUNCTIONING”. Now, I find myself moving in a very positive direction not just in my career, but in my life…..all because I have had no choice but to take a break from the one that I so admired…Alcohol.

    It is now that I see that with alcohol in my life, I was spinning my wheels. I knew I was spinning my wheels, but I couldn’t put my finger on WHY I wasn’t moving forward in my life….and I want to believe it was that very thing that helped drive me further toward my love of drinking. I was spinning my wheels and alcohol helped me escape that reality.

    Crap, y’all I keep having revelation after revelation, even as I sit here and tell you all of this! (Thank you!)

    I know that if I fall victim to alcohol once again, I can and will lose it all and that is just not worth the risk. Here’s to sobriety!

    My friend Missy, of Bitten and Bound said it best:

    Learning from the Past, Living in the Present, Dreaming of the Future.

    (I think I’ve found my new life’s motto, y’all!)

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, Noisy Scram, SCRAM, Scram Battery Change, Scram Bracelet Diaries | Tags: ,,,,,,,,,,,, | No Comments

  9. Fight The Daily Fight

    June 3, 2012 by Britton_Riley

    I just have to say, I was amazed by the outpouring of support and reactions I received by my last post. Clearly, some still don’t get it but offer their support anyway and others undeniably see what I deal with and support my fight to the end. No matter where you may be on the spectrum, you have voiced your support and that means everything to me. Some get it, some may never truly get it and that’s okay. The important thing is that I am sober and I plan to stay that way.

    I have to admit, I was timid to hit the “publish” button. I knew my addiction would be “out there”, in a rather raw form for all to see. I didn’t know how I truly felt about that when it finally came to “pulling the trigger”. After I posted it, I immediately called my mom and told her there was a new post and that I hoped that she wouldn’t be too disappointed in me, warning her of my candor. Well,  if you read her comment you will know that she was not only NOT disappointed in me, but she was also enlightened by what she learned. Those who don’t deal with the struggle can never understand what it is like and before now, my mom and dad didn’t understand what they didn’t understand…does that make sense? In my blonde brain, it makes sense :)

    Three’s Company is one of my very favorite television shows -I’m a dork, I admit it! Chrissy Snow used to talk in circles like that and “my mom and dad didn’t understand what they didn’t understand” totally reminds me of something she’d say!

    But I digress….

    In the past, I have tried to stop drinking. My dad’s famous line to me has always been “just don’t take that first drink”….well, I hope now, that he understands a little better that it’s not that simple. It is going to be a daily fight. I think he does. After he read my post, he wrote to me from his heart. I would like to share a portion of that with you, as it touched me so deeply….

    Honey:

    I read your last blog and, as always, it is extremely well-written with lots of emotion and sound advice.  No one who has never had an addiction can appreciate or even contemplate the turmoil that must swirl in a person who is addicted.  The choice is clear, as you have written for many months; you cannot ever drink again for all the reasons you have so aptly stated.  I realize the difficulties associated with my previous sentence.  It would be a lot easier if everyone close to you supported you and understood the issues; family, friends and co-workers.  You know that Mom and I will always support you and stand by your side with whatever we can do to be your safety net.  That was our commitment thirty-one years ago and remains so today and in the future.

    You have another support person who probably does not readily come to mind, Heavenly Father.  When you think about the events that led to your current situation, it was He who spared your life and that of your passenger.  It was He who has helped you recognize the correct future path without drinking and it is He who will always support you; if you will ask Him.

    Mom and I love you more than words can express and know you will fully succeed in this life trial.  Besides – Arnold Palmer’s and Shirley Temple’s taste great!!
    Dad
    ….I do believe he gets it, y’all!

    Category Getting Real With Addiction, SCRAM | Tags: | 1 Comment